somebodies

Sat, 10 Jul 2004 13:11:59 GMT

Spent quite a lot of time yesterday hanging out, roleplaying, and such. We were cataloguing which of our contemporaries had the lives we thought we were all going to have. Nothing brightens my day like a good perp walk. These shoes have been down that road before. Then I realised that I didn't actually know them in reality, and I must have been crazy to think that I was going to school with them.

Absolutely maniacal today. I first noticed the parakeets, who live on the kitchen table right by the patio door, were getting excited about something. Is that an angry mob approaching? Perhaps we'll soon be feeding the parakeets in Trafalgar Square! Remember what I said about once a week trips there? In the last week or so I've finally begin to figure out who I am and who I want to be. That would almost be amusing for a minute. I would have laughed right then and there, but it would have made things hurt worse. I keep thinking about how horrifyingly revolting yet profoundly amusing it would be if it were true. There has to be a loophole! This kind of thing always has a loophole! You’re crazy, the lot of you, and really shouldn’t encourage me.

Mon, 05 Jul 2004 14:13:37 GMT

*goes for a walk around the house*

Fire in the belly from three or four glasses of good wine and a few hours of good conversation. I probably had a few too many, but I don't tend to do that often, so it's ok. I just went out to smoke a cigarette and it's quite hot in the sun; makes me want to stay inside looking at the computer. The longing grows more intense (yet without motivation, still) when I regard my bedroom shelves and the unsorted richness upon them.

And then I did the exact opposite.

Sure, I can listen to a rerun of an earlier show on radio, but it's not the same. I'm writing a letter. This one is a western, and we hope it suits you, hon. Much has happened but I don't feel like writing about it and I don't think you're interested.

So many creative urges are like biting that persimmon. In pigeons, doves and other birds, it shows up as cheesy white patches in the mouth and throat. The dove seemed to enjoy it. I know that stuff like this has happened in this head before, though perhaps not to this degree. I fear I may have accidently created a sentient being in the process. Wird das schöne Wort beknackt eigentlich noch von irgendwem verwendet? I only took one Klonopin.

I discussed the finer parts of industrial agreements, in particular state legislation vs commonwealth. I was told recently that the difference is that mechanical engineers build weapons, while civil engineers build targets. Meh. I'm tired and cranky. Can you tell? Seriously, my memetic identity and referential integrty must be at an all time low.

Anyway, I should go be social now.

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 19:46:34 GMT

Firstly happy Independence Day to all my North American readers ... Just take a minute while you're doing it, and remember WHY you are doing it. The neighbors were doing fireworks last night and stopped at a sensible hour. It changed the entire world, the shot not fired. And that's all I need to know.

I actually started writing something! Maybe I'll be actually able to breathe! For some the screaming is release enough. You're either gonna see it or not so I'll just skip the ooohs and ahhhs and cut right to the spoilers and commentary. I was scared of yesterday, but it worked out to be the best day of summer-- so far, this year. No, it's not worth seeing. Well worth 20 minutes or so.

For those of you who do not know yet, I am coming to Kansas City. I had a pretty good time even though getting here was a bitch on the commuter rail. The only good thing was that the Amtrak teller took pity on me and let me have my tickets without a photo ID. At least I do my part by getting to and from the airport on public transit, and don't take short trips if I can possibly avoid them.

I need to get a little bit of work done, but I think I'm going to take advantage of the holiday and be a slug for most of the day. I do, however, have tons of sodas and some beer, a lovely foccacia and some french bread which I will make a nice dipping oil for, and lots of veggies and stuff. Got very drunk, inhaled some helium, got the giggles. Formel 1 sehr gut. I'm going to make chili instead.

Fri, 31 Oct 2003 22:32:45 GMT

Getting spiritual nourishment from this chaos of events, sensations, and devious interpretations is the equivalent of trying to pick through a garbage pile for food . People are panicking, crying, and running in and out of their homes with the few remaining things they can gather. When exactly did this start? I won't be surprised if it still happens for me. If you don't get the dirt off the driveway first thing in the morning, who knows what could happen. However, self, you really should do these essays when they are assigned, and not on the day before they are due for pickup. Must be coherent. But therein lies the challenge, I guess. I think those conversations are boring and tedious, and serve only to divide, when, in these, some of the most troubled times of our nation's brief history, we should be coming together and uniting as a people. It's a necessity to commit this stuff to LJ because it'll just get lost in my own memory. And actually, the more I think about it, the more I realize a wiki might work better for the way my thoughts run in general. Hopefully I'll manage to post something that hasn't been posted already by people recently. This time I spent more than 30 minutes on the thing (a little under 3 hours from idea to completion), so it looks much better technically. If you want to take a peek, copies should be available at Border's and/or Barnes and Noble. Again, I felt guilty about doing it at the last minute and not typing it.

Can you tell I like Stephen King? LOL! Some of you are already aware of some of this. It's not exactly a secret now, is it. It really takes some getting used to, my main problem is that the punch line, or even any kind of ending, is missing to each of his fragments/stories/episodes. It means he thinks it works. The notes in sections wander in strange tangents, with looping arrows connecting seemingly unrelated points. I'm not entirely sure what this means. He also talked about how a collaboration is going to be different from the works of each author. There are people in this world who raise the urge in you to either smack them unconscious or drag them off into the next bed available. My watery morning eyes frosted over ...it seems like the whole thing never happened, ...except for the flowers in the driveway...

Thu, 30 Oct 2003 18:56:36 GMT

Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld
So I can sigh eternally

Alive. Wet. Growing. There's snow, neon signs, and people walking. Sometimes there are large plumes of smoke lit by firelight. Depressed and furious, yes, but with good, very good, cause. The air stinks of smoke and huge chunks of ash are falling on me. I like to listen to the dark, hear the fire fading, the crickets singing and my dogs dreaming. And now it is no more. Needless to say, I'm grieving. So tonight I seek out the tiger. If it wants to eat me, I'll let it eat me. That's right. I'm doomed. Doomed!

fire red leaves drip
puddles of cold morning melt

Wed, 29 Oct 2003 18:54:50 GMT

i'm way too easy on myself,
i need some tough love.

DJ's job is to love us. She's good at it. I like the rest of her stuff too, and so do you. No human being can consistently meet such high standards. What I seek in partnership is a friend with whom to share that "care", that level of attention to emotional state, dreams and desires, body language, and shared recreation beyond what one generally undertakes with friends. The problem with me and perspective is that I understand the concept, but I have such a hard time putting it into use... it pains me greatly. Now if I can solve the problem of amplification without expenditure, then incredible music will no doubt result. Bad day to leave my camera at home, and really freaking gorgeous.

Anyway, I love her and I just don't think "they" are using her properly. I love her very much.

Tue, 28 Oct 2003 21:41:59 GMT

You're all now on a list of people who are nuts. Mavis has a bit of a talent for putting people together, I think. Also, based on Ruths recommendation, I'll be booking tickets for Alex and I - if you're coming, it might be a good plan...

We got there in pretty good time, and soon everyone was ready to shoot ...I hate math classes, so no thanks. I tell you what, if that bloke comes anywhere near me with that camera he's going to be walking funny for a week.

You "don't care what freeloaders think", huh? Really, what's the deal?

Tue, 28 Oct 2003 18:06:54 GMT

These people don't deserve to be with the rest of us. They don't look like any maggots I have ever seen. Why would you give someone the impression that you wanted their input on something if you were just going to do it yourself? I can't wait for them to be done! Instead, I'm thinking back on how one views the train wrecks of one's own personal history. Life is a long lesson in humility.

My ear itches. Not feeling like chatting. Not feeling like refreshing LJ again and again and again. (Guess how I'm posting this?) Plus I have a "normals" virus. *grumble mutter cough groan* Why? Why have I given up? That isn't going to pay for next years hosting. Maybe prices will drop with the start of the new year. Or they'll go up. But it's always darkest before the dawn. Look, the numbers I want to call most right now are either not in service or just plain not known to me. But I'm a yowler too when I'm not getting my way at the doctor's office.

I'm planning to put up one of my original photographs each day. I might not use filters judiciously, but I'll try. Be sure to have your sound on.

Confused and detached from reality, in London. Seriously moving to the South of France to raise goats and/or play jazz piano all night. I just like the ambience of people who think and dream. It sounds, from my friends page, like I'm not alone. In other words, it's not so much who you know, but who you vaguely know. I should bloody hope so too. I'm too bloody sensitive.

Sun, 26 Oct 2003 05:11:36 GMT

Being 59% nerd is something to be proud of, right? Heh. Silly question, yay for backups! The nearer tree is a faintly-tinted-brown silhouette against this and the slightly bluer sky above. My family includes a raccoon. Got flu shot. (This entry was written from Monday to now. Sorry if it's not internally consistent.) Okay, you will all be happy to know that I successfully tied my tie on the first try. A guy from one of the woodworking places I've been in contact with is coming over for a consultation today. He seemed a little uptight about me being with John now, but I think as the evening went on things got better. Not that it matters, since he's a complete virgin raised in a Buddhist monastery. I had to come downstairs, for a spider crawled down my wall and down the side of my bed. And then Angelica lied (badly) about where her stick came from. Melynda's cheerfully unemployed and driving to Houston, the last mouse is dead, and I have an appointment in two hours for the dress. She has found a Carolina Herrera gown that she loves, but doesn't want to spend the entire national budget of a small country for it. Will also get hold of her laptop again, and see if I can figure out what's making it not want to boot up properly. It meant that Rikki and I, the two religious married ladies present, had to wear head coverings plus skirts over our uniform pants, but who cares?

Do limes count as food? And does the fact that I love Truffaut more and more mean that I am getting old?

I think the people here will miss Charlie (my raccoon) more than me, as he is very popular. That made me do a double-take. Got out of there, and had a few minutes at home to make a bunch of notes for later, before jumping back in the car. I'm not looking forward to having no Internet, having nothing to do, and missing Sam. Sometimes I have to break my return into two pieces, and sometimes I have to fly to a more distant regional airport, rent a car, and drive home. Maps, slideshows, and video links are available for further perusal. I wonder if killing my cats because they constanly wanna go places I don't want them would be good..

Sat, 25 Oct 2003 12:37:59 GMT

Fast road, travelling 70mph. Flash of a ginger cat. And it was so small and thin and flat. This has me close to tears as I don't know what to do about my cat. Feel free to point and laugh. I'm going to go shoot myself, now. And buy them beer. Lots of beer. So I don't know what I'm going to do about staying or going.

Don't go reading into something more than what is there, and don't try to mean something without saying it...

Fri, 24 Oct 2003 17:37:10 GMT

Spam emails put to music! I'm contemplating ordering it just because. Looking forwards to getting to know you. Elsewise, I guess I'll just pick one near me. Obviously the state to move to is Hawaii, since it's free of all this nonsense. Why is New York City coming back to me? South Carolina is looking increasingly important. Together making Minneapolis an even smaller big city, one link at a time. I know, I'll slow down, so I stop exciting you all so much with this drivel. That reminds me - need to go to the dry cleaners and pick up all my clothes.

Tried to spend lots of money at Target - but didn't. I can't believe I've been throwing money away. Unfortunately, it's just for her. Ok, can I laugh now? No, just me then. I knew you'd appreciate that. Want me to stop spamming? Sorry. Sorry. You can go read and comment on old entries if you miss my chatter. And now, back to studying...

Thu, 23 Oct 2003 21:38:49 GMT

My godfather thinks I should go to seminary. Bet you a nickel he wants to do more surgery. This is not necessarily a bad thing (it was bound to happen some time, and it's probably good for me to take some more responsibility), but it's somewhat overwhelming and I'm not very well prepared. I'll be holed up at an undisclosed location for the weekend and refuse to share that time with the lot of you. No explanation needed - and none will be provided.

I'm going to die! In the meantime, eee! *bounce* It's been ages since I've been nicely drunk. If he had just left a more detailed message this morning, he could have saved me a lot of twitching. Eeeeeeee!!!

Wed, 22 Oct 2003 21:02:42 GMT

I drove north with glimpses of rainbow when I glanced left and spatters of gold when I glanced right, 'til about halfway up the sun cleared the horizon completely. Of course it doesn't even remotely work, but that's beside the point. It's pretty. I was happy. I was very happy. Okay. I liked it.

At least he's not yelling at me for other people's mistakes today. Somehow, I don't think it's the adustment he thinks it is. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. Though I find what he attempted to accomplish inappropriate in some ways, I find the humor of the result overwhelming. This is in my long list of things to write up in greater detail with full supporting reference. He'll be remembered for a very long time.

forgotten storm
left shards of soul

Tue, 21 Oct 2003 06:28:59 GMT

I have no idea where I'll go or what I'll take pictures of, I just want to get out and enjoy the weather. The air is clean and my heart is as warm as a baked potato. On the other hand, it would be a pain to move. I've been dreading winter here and spending time worrying about and crying over how I, and my beater truck, am going to deal with that. I knew I should've gotten a Coleman. I hate waking up on the floor. Staring at you.

PEACE
PEACE

Mon, 20 Oct 2003 17:34:45 GMT

Hey. Bleah, disgusting. Ehhh.....

Ugh, creepy. Like, now. Ugh.

Weird. arggggg!

This post is almost content-free, yes. I overheard one cop saying to another that it was a shooting, and they were taking people away, blah blah blah.

But still... ehh.

Sun, 19 Oct 2003 05:09:06 GMT

Tony plays this song quite a bit. Thank God for good drummers; without them, I'd be useless gelatin. My head is still killing me. I've been trying to concentrate, but my brain isn't having any of that. He said that he had no idea how it cooled at all through that. It's like... everything I've been thinking about recently involving two men has ended (or at least included towards the climax) in a make-out session in some sort of religious place. Another showed a backwards relationship. It was rather lovely. You don't spend more time opening it than closing it, because there's no need. You just do it. And reruns won't happen for a while. What difference does it make, when he doesn't even read the news anyway? He was running low too! LOL! Whee! I'd totally forgotten I knew how to do this stuff, but there you go. I've never had to live like that -- at least, not as an adult, not while responsible for a child, etc. Oh, and the phone stays too. Just now, in the bathroom, I was thinking of all the things I should have calmly said to him. He has an answer about half of the time. Here's hoping that either his publicist did the list for him, or he's got Alzheimer's. It's like telling someone standing in a pool that they might get wet.

Sat, 18 Oct 2003 11:42:22 GMT

She is autumn. No matter how much bitterness is between us, I'm making Glue (rice crispy treats with double the amount of marshmellows) tonight, and no one can stop me. I've been promising that for months now!

I wouldn't want to spend my first night out with anyone else.

It sounds as if she has carried the melody of death from the other side of the veil between worlds. She said, "I understand. You've been taking care of things for your whole life. It's time for a rest." And I have hiccups and no water to get rid of them.

See new girls are allowed to make mistakes, aren't they? I will rise each time no matter how downtrodden
as I ever have.. pay me in kind? The rain sounds like a waterfall outside, and the light is a beautiful gray, still bright.

Fri, 17 Oct 2003 16:18:19 GMT

One Imitrex down, worked for about 20 min, another 45 before I can take another one, , but downloading music isn't really my thing.

Okay, I'm leaving. I'll get clean and then head out to Frys for a serial mouse so I can resume working properly. Plus, you can never have enough brown clothes.

Other than that, life's going well. I'm solvent again.

Only a few minutes after 11 and I've already turned to Cheetos for comfort. But she didn't, and now that opportunity may be lost forever.

And what just caused me to remember it? build-up of passionate energy perhaps? or maybe i just feel the need to work off that stress and frustration. just a thought.

just getting the words out and down,
that's what's important right now.

Thu, 16 Oct 2003 10:20:50 GMT

Within a week, the only popup I got that was totally unwarranted was yours. I watched them float off, until they almost looked like birds, but they were balloons. I looked away for a moment. That will teach me to read the whole thing before I buy them next time. Guess I'll have to try again tomorrow night. Sigh. I'm determined to try everything they offer at least once.

I will also get my haircut. Cutting rectangles isn't difficult unless they're humungoid like these are. I know what I will be thinking about.

I'm tired of running. When can I just stop? I've accomplished nothing terribly useful, and I do not in the least care. This week has been a naked lunch, every piece of food on every fork exposed.

Wed, 15 Oct 2003 12:13:45 GMT

I have so much to say about art, art as an institution, 'art' vs. 'artificial', artist vs. audience, artists with a university diploma, natural talent and lack thereof, elitist thinking in art and other stuff that I don't even want to work anymore. Can I go home now? I'm already working on so much there, there just isn't the time to add something new , even if I have provoked you by dripping garlic butter on it. I am being ripped in two distinctly opposite directions , but the people are really nice and I hope to make it a regular thing. How do you handle those differences? If I make myself move, it helps somewhat, but as soon as I sit down, I feel the constriction again. I laid on dad's side of the bed and made it flat before he went to bed. If you don't find us in one, check the other.

I thought my life was over ... then again we are all living on borrowed time... I need to prod at this some more. My therapist usually gives me ample time to ground after difficult parts of sessions. I wanted to use them (string together) as a theme for a self-imposed writing exercise, a theme and variations. If you realize that a person is definitely better off without you than with you, you may want to consider leaving them alone if you only wish for their best.

Just kind of a melancholy week. I can't read too much of that; it makes my brain hurt from translating. Sometimes when I'm high on it I find myself saying things I regret, or impulse shopping. I can stop my crazy compulsive spending, or at least I can tone it way way down, but even if I stop any extra spending I can't live on what I'm earning. I own lots I haven't seen. I own lots that I haven't opened. I didn't write this...

Tue, 14 Oct 2003 17:17:47 GMT

Looking forwards to getting to know you. Goes to show that stereotypes are tricky things. Elsewise, I guess I'll just pick one near me. I know, I'll slow down, so I stop exciting you all so much with this drivel. Now, even though there's still a crushing amount of work, it's at least itemized and planned and I feel better. While it felt weird to do it in chunks like that, it was the only way I could think of to get close to enough rest. My posture still sucks. Can anything else go wrong?

(Did I ask can anything else go wrong?) But I don't want to quit. It was still a good dive. This is why we put up with the suffering. It's a sort of sinful pride, I suppose. Ok, can I laugh now? Want me to stop spamming? Sorry.

Mon, 13 Oct 2003 11:26:46 GMT

I hate trying to hear something over something else. I feel like an afterthought. Someone come and warm me up. I'm having odd dreams that have been hard to seperate from reality recently. Tell me to stop over-analyzing everything. Please. It just made me feel really loved and good so I wanted to share it with all of you.

Please pick me....

Sun, 12 Oct 2003 23:37:52 GMT

Real Pain

Going to pick apples with my dad and sister this morning, but then they're going to watch the game in a bar, and I don't feel like hanigng out in a bar. Completely extraneous shopping trip to Walgreens. Certainly I have no shortage of basically gainful failures that I can point at. Annoying problems are being sorted today at a rate of knots. It's worth the warped pan and the clouds of smoke, opening all the windows and cranking the fans. Getting around to that coccoon-cracking stage, seeing what the hell I've created of myself.

Note that "keeping a livejournal" isn't on the list. If it is, why do i still want one so badly? Lots to say, but no earthly interest in saying it.

Huh. I'll figure it out. It seems to be working fine so far. It's not like they want to know how it's really going. Not that it's a huge deal, but it's kinda annoying...

Fri, 10 Oct 2003 22:28:35 GMT

the number they gave turned out to be wrong. who knows how long I'll be here - but he was fine that we ditched him

that's hurt before, if I recall.

note: I really didn't intend this to be another statement on the California recall. Honest.

Fri, 10 Oct 2003 15:48:36 GMT

Washed my hands and splashed water on me - not a little, a lot - I'm not sure, but I think this is the first sick day I've used all year. This just seems inherently wrong to my process-oriented mind - it completely ignores the gaps in the way things work here and how we interact with other teams. I am alarmingly cheerful though, because it was just one crazy person after another.

Anybody want to go with me? Yes, I actually sent that. If you don't get a reply from me, I'm not ignoring you. P.S. I miss you.